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The Celle Seminars – Page 52

example, black SS-boots and things like that. These are experi-ences from my childhood. Earlier on I said that today my hus-band doesn’t see my illness as he did initially in 1981.
(G.V.): How does he perceive your illness now? How do you yourself perceive it – better or worse?
(F.P.): I’m worried that my condition is deteriorating because the frequency of attacks has increased. There was one attack in 1981, then two more attacks in 1988 and 1989. I’m quite sure my husband’s attitude has changed – his view of my illness has changed – due to my constant reiteration that I believe that what is happening to me is a result of our marital relationship.
(G. V.): According to you, is the relationship good or bad?
(F.P.): We are basically detached from one another. I’m no longer trying to be a companion to my husband. We are not acting our marriage out together.
(G.V.): During a crisis, do you use obscene words, bad words? (H.): Referring back to the question about the use of obscene words which my wife denied using, I would like to explain the use of obscene words in another way. I’d say the attacks are really kind of like the tip of an iceberg. Between icebergs there are drafts and waves of water, situations in which I do not get along well with my wife. During these times it does not matter whether I am patient or not, my wife does not really do anything for me. It is in situations like these that very often words are exchanged and language can be very unpleasant.
(G.V.): What do you think about this?
(F.P.): You might be able to interpret my ‘obscene language’ in a different way: My husband may very well think that I’m using obscene words, but perhaps they are just words that I use in defense of my husband’s periodical accusations. For example, when he says that I have relationships with other men, I may use expressions that are offensive to him specifically because I know he does not like them. These may not be specifically obscene words, just words he personally cannot stand.
(D.): My mother has always felt very controlled by my father.