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The Celle Seminars – Page 55

then she screamed, “I’m in hell! I’m in hell!” It was the deepest expression of sheer terror that I’ve ever seen in my life. As I’ve said, I had discussed some of the earlier scenes later on with my wife, but I was not able to talk about this particular event until three years later when it happened again. By this time my wife had obviously begun to look for her spiritual health and had worked out some of her problems for herself. I recall that we were talking about scenes from these psychotic episodes when she walked past the chimney and suddenly turned, pointed to the floor, to the exact spot where the previous event had taken place, and said, “Οn this spot I was once in hell, but I know now that I never have to go back there again, that’s over for me.” Because she gave me this positive signal, I was able to tell her about the other horrible occurrence, because she was no longer in that state of being. I think this is the reason why my wife interprets my understanding of her illness as she does. But I think my wife has misinterpreted my interpretation of her illness.
(F.P.): May I comment on this myself? The difficulty in our rela-tionship is really that my husband has made me frightened of my past. I believe now that these are really his own fears which I’ve internalized. My husband is a certified public accountant and he’s a vicar(priest). He uses interpretations and pictures contained in the Bible to suit his own purposes. It is against this background that I see our disputes. This also explains many of our difficul-ties: I am simply fighting against my husband’s interpretation of my illness. The dispute between my husband and myself is about the way he sees things and the way I see things set against the background of my studies of the Bible and my interpretation of them. My Bible studies arose from the need to educate myself and to come to terms with my own fears. I could not accept my husband’s interpretation of my illness, therefore I tried to educate myself in his field in order to better argue my point.
(G.V.): Do you mean to say that your husband thinks you are possessed by the devil?
(F.P.): That was his initial interpretation.